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I am writing this with disappointment. Not in YHWH, but in what my own expectations are upon Him and His time schedule for me and my family. The journey that we are on has seemed to take dives, turns, twists and goes in through hospitable lands, around corrupt encampments, residing within quarrelsome communities and restful oasis alike. I can truly say that the real journey that we are on, myself, my wife, and all of our children, is that of a real, honest to Godliness, faith walk. We are learning how to trust in YHWH Yirah deeper than ever before and to be completely dependent and repentant to Him alone.
We say sometimes that "It's a free gift," and that "All you have to do is say yes to Him." These are true statements, however, it goes so much deeper than that, as you are all so clearly aware. The beginning part of the journey of faithful stewardship has its spring-time beauty and all the thorns on the rose bushes are clearly marked. It seems to be a simple task of saying Yes, Yes and no, no. Yet, as the traveling continues, it yields blisters that seem to take forever to turn into calloused and worn parts, parts that are not easily cut open, parts that art not prone to take of offenses or give off offense. Moreover, when we continuously exercise our faith, the more we are stretched to find more raw areas, blisters and sores, in our lives that Adonai knew of before he called out to us, even before our conception.
This has become the only place where I am able to take rest, and lately, that has been fitful at best. This place is in the heart of YHWH Himself. It is a terrifying place as much as it is peaceful. But, hey, we asked to be there, we asked to see His glory. We asked Him to reveal Himself to us. We asked for more of Him and less of us. We even asked that we would decrease that He might increase. What chutzpah God has given His children. To reveal that one would die if they see His face, then implant within His seed that constant desire to seek His Face. I suppose that is the bottom line of what faith is: The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I can say that I have cried out to see Him face to face, and He has been faithful to reveal Himself by allowing me to experience His presence, both elation and the consumption of those moments. For it has been true elation to be on a journey toward residing in Him where He supplies every need as it arises and never is far off, yet consuming to remind my flesh to remain dead so that He may be seen by me. Obviously, that is a work in progress.
For now, I will continue to walk on this path. Funny, it used to be a expressway and I see that same superstructure all around with small curves that throws its commuters off course and with entrances and exits that the masses take as easily as reaching for another cup of coffee. Simplicity is the form and norm for that interstate system call religion. Not now, though, somewhere we got off. Call it intuition, I call it the Holy Spirit, but nonetheless, we got off at the exit marked Vineyard. There we saw first hand the growth of so many branches, all clinging to One we call the vine. And the expressway did not take us there, it was a smaller, yet easily traveled highway. There were rest stops, but none were used very often due to the excitement of "Arriving" at the Vineyard. And, once we were there we were overjoyed to find that we could be part of that Branch as well. This, too, was a free gift and the Map was given to us with little explanation, but it was in our hands. The place where the Map was given to us was at the end of a very nice and tranquil two-lane road that had been a real joy to ride upon. And, when we first stopped to study our Map, we noticed that the pavement had abruptly turned into gravel and stone, not so easy to cruise. What's even more interesting is that within a few instances, we were finding it easier to just leave the vehicle behind and walk what was quickly becoming a path.
So that is where we are now, a path that is turning and winding, going up and down. It was very easy to follow, but, for some strange reason, this area seems neglected and not very well worn at all. Just the other day, we found ourselves some distance from the real path. We thought for sure it was going a different way, where there was sufficient water and some great green plants. Good thing we heard the voice of the Vinedresser calling our names, or we would still be there splashing around. Interesting enough, it was at that deviation that we argued a little more, met others that made a whole lot of sense in their thinking, but they were just as lost and didn't even act like they heard the Voice speaking to us. Oh well, we pray for them even now, they were very nice people. I noticed something at the watering place. I no longer look the same. I had watched my family change and assumed that they had been young and thought it was appropriate for them to look different after so many years. Yet is it was sort of a shock to look at my reflection and see what looked some much like the picture on my Map where we were to find the Branch.
One thing comes to mind now that I am thinking about it. The guy that gave us this Map said that the one true pathway to the Branch would get to be so small and unassuming that we would have to have faith to find it and to stay on it and that we would have to hear the voice of the Vinedresser. As long as we heard His voice, we would not be to far away. So this is where we are now. The Map is right and His voice is sure. I hope to find that resting place soon. I am getting tired. |
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